Children learn about love and trust from their parents. When the person that they trust to love them and take care of them hurts a child, what kind of message is this sending to the child about aggression? So why do so many parents treat their kids abusively, yelling, spanking, reprimanding and worse? 

James Redfield, author of the Best Selling Book “The Celestine Prophecy”, wrote in his book “People treat each other violently. We know that this violence comes from the need for power and control. Every time a person interacts with another person, one of two things can happen. The individual comes away feeling strong or feeling weak, depending on what occurred in the interaction. Because of it, people always seem to take a manipulative posture in order to control the situation and remain on top in the encounter. We want to prevail in the conversation. And if that happens, we feel powerful. People seek to control each other because of the psychological lift they get. This is the reason for so many irrational conflicts in the world, both at the individual level and between nations as well.”

When a child misbehaves and a parent reacts out of frustration, an irrational power struggle can result. Parents feel a loss of control when their children act out. The feeling of helplessness and inability to control the child is difficult for a parent to overcome.  In order to regain power and control, parents engage in violent – either physical or emotionally abusive - behaviors, for example yelling, reprimanding, spanking, physically forcing their little ones to comply, thus teaching them to be violent and creating resentment.  This often leads to the exact opposite of their desired outcome.  

Children engaging in challenging behaviors out of frustration is also a classic example of a power struggle. When a child feels helpless over his own destiny, ie, he wants a cookie but he can’t have it, he feels he is left with no choice but to cry, scream, hit, etc. to obtain a sense of control.  

Just to clarify, children don’t always engage in challenging behaviors just out of frustration or for the purpose of obtaining power and control. It could be that the child is seeking attention, or trying to escape a non-preferred activity, or has difficulty regarding self-regulation/stimulation.    

When it really is a power struggle, the following tips will help you calm the storm: 

1. Never engage in a power struggle with your child. You will always lose. Back off, take a deep breathe, and think how can you respond instead of react. Respond implies that your goal is to teach something to your child, not to punish him or her because you are angry.  

2. Be proactive. Know the signs of the storm coming: your child’s body language, breathing, facial expressions, to name a few examples. Once you see one of the signs, prepare yourself for the storm and try to remain calm. Your child senses your emotions and if you remain calm, the child will feel secure. 

3. Examine the environment to detect triggers of the behavior: Do certain activities or peers trigger your child’s stress? Does lack of activity or boredom cause anxiety or meltdowns? Be sure to incorporate the following into your child’s routine to help prevent outbursts:

• Daily outings and opportunities to “burn energy”

• A predictable daily routine

• A calm and stress-free environment at home

• Special time with undivided attention from a parent

4. Remember: you are not a police officer whose role is to enforce the rules. You are a teacher whose role is to guide and understand your child, while setting  limits in a positive and nurturing way. You are in control. You don’t need to fight for control. 

5. Motivate your child instead of forcing him/her. Here are ways we can motivate instead of force: 

• Offer choices. For example, “do you want to wear the blue pajama or the red one”?

• Always offer praise when your child behaves appropriately.

• If verbal praise is not enough, couple praise with a reward, such as a sticker or a happy face.

• If this is not enough, implement a tiered reward system, such as a toy or an ice-cream that your child earns after getting 3 or 4 stickers.

• Make things fun. Even activities such as brushing teeth or cleaning up can be fun if approached with the right attitude. Propose a game, sing a song, be silly. Kids love it.

6. Have realistic expectations. Let your child be a child. A certain amount of crying, screaming, jumping on the couch, and refusing to do what you tell him or her to do is normal and healthy.  

Keep in mind: “Love is the most powerful way of discipline.” When you give love, you receive love back.