handling a tantrum
A child's tantrum
is one of the least favorite parts of parenthood, especially if it
occurs in public. The most important thing a parent can do during
a tantrum is to remain calm. I can not stress this enough! Children
are like little sponges that absorb your anxiety. If a parent loses
control while the child is throwing a tantrum, you can expect it to
feed the tantrum. Equally as important is to help your child to communicate
his/her feelings. This is called “active listening” and can help
calm your child down by decreasing his frustration. You can help
your child by modeling the words for him to use. For example, “I know you are mad
at me because I won’t buy you that toy. You are really mad!” If
possible, encourage your child to say it “Tell me ‘I’m mad
Mommy”. Make sure your child knows the limits, such as
“but you can not have a new toy right now”. If this is a limit
you have set, make sure you see it through to the end.
Follow-through and consistency are key in extinguishing bad
behaviors. NEVER give in to a child's tantrum demands no matter how
humiliating the experience. If you are embarrassed you can modestly
apologize to the people around you and say something like "sorry, we
are having a rough day" but your focus should be on your child.
Remember, you probably will never see those people again but you
will have to live with your child for a long time. Following through
WILL help prevent future tantrums and will make your life easier in
the long run.
Let your child know when the next opportunity is
to receive the reward, “we
can get a new toy after we finish grocery shopping”. This may
be enough to calm him.
If your child is continuing to tantrum, set a
limit on the behavior while validating his feelings. “You are so
mad and are not calming down. We will need to go outside until you can control
yourself”. Be sure to use a supportive, firm and fairly
matter-of-fact tone of voice. If your child senses that you are
angry, this could escalate his behavior. Yelling at your child
almost always backfires in the long run.
Encourage your
child and show him how to vent his
feelings “you are so mad, it will help you to stamp your feet like
this”. This is another way to validate the child's anger and
frustration and will help him to feel understood.
If your child
still does not calm down, stop whatever
you are doing and remove the child from the environment. This may
mean you have to leave your shopping cart or walk out of the
checkout line. Often this involves carrying your child to the car.
Use the active listening technique again and
limit setting. “I know it is hard to wait but when you scream we
have to leave the store”.
If your child
DOES calm down, you decide if you
want to try again or go home. If your child is likely to have
another tantrum, it is best to discontinue the activity and your
child does not earn the reward.
This process gets easier with time. When the
steps are implemented consistently, and your child knows the
consequences, they usually only need reminders to control their
behavior versus being removed from the environment.
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